i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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