I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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