By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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