i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
