so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
