I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
