Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
