There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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