um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
