im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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