She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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