I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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