i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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