her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
