God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
