I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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