Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
