i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
