***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
