Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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