remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Randomize
