my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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