I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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