in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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