Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
