Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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