She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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