Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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