Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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