When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
