is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
