I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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