If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
