3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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