Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
