ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize