When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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