Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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