please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
