too bad you live with your parents still
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
