I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
