I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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