not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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