So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
