I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
This gyro tastes like lonliness
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize