I just made out with a guy for $7.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
