you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
