Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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