I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
