you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
