All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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