You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
