"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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