so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
