in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Enjoy the penises
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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