3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
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