i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
