I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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